See, this is why I suck at blogging. I firmly believe that the personal is political, but somehow that doesn't always translate when I try to post personal stuff. Regardless, this is something I need to talk about, and better in an internet forum where no one is reading (in particular, no one who knows me very well). I'm going to talk about it at greater length later, maybe in a discussion of the politics of motherhood, but I don't really know that I need to politicize it. It's already there.
So, my ex-husband's girlfriend, soon-to-be-wife, wants to adopt my son, because my ex-husband is (supposedly; he's like a leaf in the wind) going to the police academy and will be in a high-risk position. She's been with my son for the past couple of years. I haven't. She's taken care of him. I haven't. (I like her much more as a person and as a parent than my ex-husband, by the by, and I am glad that she's been there since I can't be.) I mean, the reasons are complicated, but the facts of the matter stand. It will absolutely be in his best interests for her to adopt him, and I would never put up a custody fight, just as I didn't during the divorce for the same reasons. I am an unperson; I have no feelings and no rights, and it is by my own design. This is motherhood.
You need me to open another vein for my son? I'll do it. I'll try to let it splatter elsewhere. I've gotten used to deflecting his occasional questioning so that I don't actually talk to him about the fact that his father kidnapped him and stranded me. Keeping bile and blood from my child has become about half of my dealing with him, and very little of it is my fault, but that's become a very bitter satisfaction. I just roll it into a tiny ball and try to keep it from touching the rest of my life, which is pretty good.
I did not want this, but for his good, sure. Without a thought. I'll bleed elsewhere, thanks. Where's the paperwork?
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